


Take Those Pills

by Urmion



Category: Zombies Run!
Genre: Angst, Dreams vs. Reality, F/F, F/M, Hallucinations, Mental Health Issues, Mind Control, Season/Series 04, Season/Series 04 Spoilers, Spoilers until Season 04 Mission 23, mention of suicidal thoughts, psychic problems, s4m23
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-05 06:20:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16805155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Urmion/pseuds/Urmion
Summary: Moonchild is back in Five's head.This might be very dangerous for an unstable Runner Five.





	1. daydreams

**Author's Note:**

> I would be very grateful for any comments, feedback or other suggetions, also concerning language.
> 
> Thank you @runnerzero for betaing!

You are sitting on your bed with your sketchpad and are drawing. Moonchild sits in front of you cross-legged on the blankets and smiles.

_Draw me, Five._

And you draw her, feeling easy and warm inside and singing some lines of a long forgotten song crossing your mind.

_What is love but the strangest of feelings?_  
_A sin you swallow for the rest of your life?_  
_You've been looking for someone to believe in_  
_To love you until your eyes run dry_

 _How do you love in a house without feelings?_  
_How do you turn what the savage tame?_  
_I've been looking for someone to believe in_  
_Love me, again and again*_

Oh yes, you remember every detail about loving Moonchild. Back then, in her house. After… You try not to think of want you’ve done. But you can’t avoid it, the guilt rushes over you like a giant wave and for an endless moment you see and hear nothing else than the exploding flotilla. Hundreds of lives… You killed them all. It was your fault. You pushed the button. For a while, there is nothing but guilt and pain in your mind.

_Hey Five, please don’t think about that again. It wasn’t your fault. And it was for the greater good. Think of me please. Think of us. We belong together Five. We are meant for each other. I’m still there for you. I love you!_

  
Yes, it feels so good to think about Moonchild. There she sits in front of you telling you to ignore the fact that you killed all those people and she takes away the guilt from you. Relieved, you sigh. Yes, in fact it was not your fault. You just obeyed the orders to do it. You were merely her weapon. And yes, how good it felt to be her weapon. To obey her orders. To be completely hers. Like during that nights back in her house, you two begin to make love. She smells like herbs, like grass and earth. You lose yourself in emotions and feel extremely light.

  
_Please Five, tell me you love me too. No, better tell me the truth. I want to know if you really mean it. Do you still love Sa-_

  
Moonchild begins playing with you again. She is either letting you your will and asking you to tell her the truth and then again, hurt by your answer, forcing you to say that you love her like she does. But in this unpleasant moment the door opens and your friend Jody rushes inside. You quickly pull the blankets closer to cover your half naked body and crumple the drawing under your pillow.

  
“Oh, hi, Five. Thought you were out on a mission this afternoon. What did you draw? Can I see it?”

  
_Oh man, this stupid girl, why does she disturb us in a moment like this?_

Moonchild’s voice is slowly fading away.

  
You shake your head, quite confused, still half aroused and half beginning to realise that you were again only imagining things. Hearing voices again. Wishing Moonchild back? Oh my god, no, that horrible lunatic made you attack your friends. She controlled your mind. She got power over you. But now she is dead! The control should be gone. You realize that you spent the last hour in daydreams. In hallucinations. You just hope that Jody didn’t see your drawing.

  
You wonder what’s wrong with you. How is it possible that you still see and hear her? Why do you still feel so absolutely good, warm, satisfied and light around her? You should be glad that she is dead!

  
Then that wave of guilt comes over you again and makes your ears swish. When the blur begins to clear, you realize that Jody is still standing in front of your bed and is still talking to you. Shit, how many words did you miss? Concentrate! You try to focus on the here and now and on Jody.

  
“… really, Five! I don’t say this to offend you.”

You are able to get her words again.

“What?”

You have to give in that you didn’t understand her.

“Are you listening to me Five? You look really bad. Please. Go and see her.”

Jody really seems worried now.

“Who?”

You have to find out what she said to you earlier.

“Oh god, Five, so I’m right. You haven’t listened to me. Where’ve you been in your thoughts? What I’m telling you is that you need help. Please go and see Maxine. She can help you for sure.”

“Maxine is highly pregnant and already off duty, you know that. Why should I bother her with a few worries?”

  
You would only visit Maxine for medical advice at the moment if it was a life-threatening situation.

  
“Five, what are those worries about? Please tell me. What are you going through? Is it the bad conscience? Please Five, nobody blames you. Do you have bad memories? Panic attacks? Insomnia? Depressions? Oh Five, I know nothing about this all. Please tell me! I live so close to you, spend so much time with you, but I can’t reach you anymore. I have no idea what you’re going through…”

  
_She is envious!_ Moonchild’s conclusion hits you suddenly. Do you believe her? Does your friend Jody feel highly excluded of your world since you were mind-controlled and she weren’t? You went to London while she had to stay in Abel. You became a hero again while she did the normal work at Abel. She had to watch when you got offers to high positions from everywhere. She had to endure your fame during the months you worked in New Canton together, always in your shadow. She was not invited to wave flags and pose for pictures.

“Oh my god, Jody, how can you be envious of my life?”

You don’t say that aloud. You have no idea what to tell her. How could she understand all this? You don’t understand it yourself at all.

“Sorry Jody. I don’t know.”

Great, obviously you’re not able to produce a cleverer sentence.

“Five, really, Maxine’s there for you and can help you.”

You can feel that this is her last try. How can she still want to help you after all of this? She should rather hate you instead. You feel so bad. So very bad. You really have to offer her something to comfort her.

“Okay, I am going to talk to her soon.”

“Please.”

She is not yet convinced.

“Yes.”

You try to sound steady.

“Okay.”

She pauses for a moment unsure what to do next and then offers you a run around the training area.

“To get a clear mind.”

_What a fantastic idea, Five. I love to see you sweat!_

*from the song _Wire To Wire_ by Razorlight


	2. nightrealitys

This night you are afraid of going to bed. You think of sleeping in the comm’s shack, because this is what you usually do in case you can’t sleep, but you are somehow avoiding Sam at the moment. You couldn`t stand another person worried about you right now. Sam is such a wonderful person; you are just afraid of doing him some harm again.

And without wanting it, you seem to avoid the three parents-to-be. Yes, you really lost a few tears of emotion when Maxine asked Paula and Sam to have a baby with her, and they are your friends, but… But? But, what? Just maybe, you are a bit jealous. You know you have no right to feel like this, but you are actually feeling a bit excluded. This parent-thing is somehow beyond your horizon and you wonder how it’s going to be when the baby is there. Will there still be a place for you in this little family?

When you finally decide to go to bed, everybody else in your cabin is already sleeping and you lie there in the dark fumbling for the painting under your pillow alongside to other objects that are holy to you. A photograph of Sara with her boys and her key card for Comansys. A note from Sam. An USB-stick with your favourite music. A dried blue flower. Several Ministry notes. A letter from King Jamie.

You think of the hallucination you had this afternoon. Yes, you are very much aware that in fact this has been a hallucination. Something happened a few days ago under the hypnosis that Maxine did with you to find out more. You know very well now why you hadn’t wanted to do it. You had been extremely afraid given what had happened the last time you tried out hypnosis. Yes, the plan was to make you absolutely secure against Moonchild’s mind-control. And then, instead you ended up completely under her control.

Plans often go wrong these days. Your whole life consists in solving problems that occur because of plans going wrong. You use to have good stamina, good reflexes, and sometimes good ideas in the last moment. You have a good intuition. That’s why you saved Abel so many times. This is why you are Head of Runners. This is why you are requested personally on taxing missions. Yes, and this intuition said “don’t do it” before the first hypnosis and again before the second.

  
Yes, of course you gave in to do it. You wanted to retain your memory. You wanted to save Paula. You wanted to contribute to find a cure. And yes, you were indeed capable of finding extremely valuable intel for Veronica’s research. Half of the missing section of the Edda of the Wakened Warriors. And certain documents from a secret Comansys glass office building in the woods.

But the price was very high. The price was opening the doors of your mind to Moonchild again. After the injection that Simon had given you, you had been free from her control for a few months. After her death, you didn’t hear her voice anymore. You were extremely relieved by this, given that you saw how many people had problems with getting along once they were freed from her control. You lived in New Canton for a few months and the entire population was trying to find back to life again. You heard people screaming her name at nights. You saw Bernard Prior losing his leading abilities. You talked to Saeed Uteem who was glad of just not hearing her voice for four hours when he was deeply concentrated in his water- colouring.

You were lucky to feel immune to her. She made you forget everything that happened and everything she told you after she lost power over you. And sometimes it is a bliss not to know something. But now, they opened your mind again. They destroyed the wall of oblivion inside of you. They broke it and you are exposed to her again.

She immediately took over control again and led you to the places where the papers were to be found. You caused a massive panic among your friends at the comm’s because you didn’t wake up from the hypnosis as you were told so. Janine nearly had to shoot you. Yes, you asked Janine to stop you by whatever seems necessary in case it should go wrong. Because your intuition told you in advance that this could go terribly wrong. And you have been right. Moonchild got back her power over you.

As you came home, you didn’t tell them exactly what happened. You were back and you had what they wanted. That was enough and they were very satisfied with you again. So, no need to worry them and to tell them about bloody Moonchild being back in your head.

  
Since then you hear her often, mainly when situations get very taxing. In this cases she sometimes has useful advice and memories for you. She kind of opens hidden information inside your brain. But there are also other things that she reveals to you now. Now you remember every detail of what you did under her control. A deadly weapon in the hand of the enemy.

And you remember how much she loved you and what she asked you to do at nights. Yes, back then you liked it. Because she made you like it. But very, very deep inside of your soul, there had been a tiny bit that had remained yourself. That tiny bit that had refused to “deal” properly with Albert, Jody and Sam. As to say shoot them. That bit that had gone away running towards the old mental hospital. That bit had your mind focused on your real love while being in bed with Moonchild. And that bit hated everything of what you did. The problem is, today you liked it again. Why? Why is it possible that she is dead and is still able to tell you not only what to do, but also what to feel?

At the moment you’re obviously completely yourself, able to analyse the situation and able to realize that you have had a hallucination. You wonder how you can prevent yourself from having it again and if it’s maybe indeed a good idea to talk about it with Maxine. At least she read through all those books about psychology in the past weeks. She really tried her best to keep you safe and of course she didn’t want to harm you. But you also feel very embarrassed of all this.

While you keep thinking about a solution, it gets slowly light in Abel. You see the first grey and blue light through the windows and hear the first sounds of the township waking up. Some people have to stand up very early to prepare breakfast or to take care of the animals and the first runs are always scheduled shortly after the break of day. Listening to this sounds calms you down and you are finally able to doze off. When the people of your cabin are standing up, you’re finally very fast asleep. You don’t hear Jody anymore telling the others to keep quiet and to not wake you up because she knows about your sleeping problems. The thing is, to be honest you sleep best when people around you are busy because it gives you the feeling that everything is okay and you feel less lonely.


End file.
